The bar is so dead the tender gave us free shots for staying. They mixed 2pac and phil collins. That's worth at least three shots.
I figure if he loans me money i only owe him sex for the rest of the summer before i pay him back, right?
Say "Steve Buscemi is hot." with a straight face.
Do you think my job would send me for a second drug test if i took a whole pumpkin pie to work for lunch tomorrow?
i just traded 2 rolls of toilet paper for half a water bottle of vodka. i love college
The used rubbers I threw behind her bed all semester must have landed on the baseboard heater. They went up in smoke when she turned on the heat last night.
I'm at the point in my life where I'm trying to get guys I've fucked to give a ride to guys I'm going to fuck.
You grabbed her hand and started jacking her finger off. She was horrified.
Did it finish?
Omg. I have a story to tell you later about that girl that just crawled on stage
Jumanji is 1000% better stoned while cooking breakfast.
Who are you, and why are you in my phone as Elf on the Shelf
My google history for last night included "Whre is johns house" and "wher can i buy nukes?" Pretty sure they're related to one another.
The nice lady at the neighborhood liquor store informs me that we have a new woman-run neighborhood sex shop. Jesus loves me and wants me to have a happy Valentine's day.
I mean, I want you to have freaky orgasmic fun to entertain me, but I don’t want you to risk HIV or car crashes
I was just told that I'm the Sherlock Holmes of drunken sex. I'll take it.
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