11:03 p.m. Whats a lie i you lovn me. Let's cuddle.
Dude. I haven't taken a shit in a week.
Try anal, it works wonders.
Just accidentally pinched my dick between two 50 pound dumbbells while doing shoulder shrugs. God hates me.
my summer class's final was canceled bc it interfered with the world cup. he is giving us all A's on it. I love europe
so i don't know how many beers it takes to make a recliner look like a toilet, but that's how many i had.
I will now attempt to shave my public hair into a Christmas tree.
Just say you're the husband at the front desk to get in. She's in room 15 at the ER.
what? who is this?
so i might have figured out why that girl isn't talking to me...I'm 90% confident I didn't give her a pillow when she stayed over >.>
Hey, so I'm not coming into work til Friday. Some guy I've known for about 8 hours just offered me a free vacation to Maui and bought my plane ticket. He's Aussie so I'm 75% sure he won't murder me
Never in my life did I dream that I would meet and NFL linesman, let alone that he would be standing before me dressed as a Roman centurion and asking for Vaseline.
I told myself I'd stop after three shots of fireball. Haha HA hA.
Ah, Christ. I just saw a D lister I made out with once on a Rock Of Love rerun. Why are you asleep right now? Some weird shit is happening.
How many gummy vitamins can I eat before I die
I farted in the parking garage and it echoed.
I sent him nudes while he is at work because I am an evil human being.
Randomize
