The cop didn't care that I was peeing on the wall of my dorm building... All he said was, "come on, it's 9am."
Report just came out that Tim Tebow is a virgin but I have proof he is not. He's bent Florida State over the last four years in a row.
When you're about to leave, tell him "bye." At that point, he should say something. If he doesn't say anything, well, our drinks were free and he gets a free make out with yours truly.
i am about to cut my stepbrother's hair into a mohawk with the same clippers i use to trim my pubes. god is so on my side today.
Poopin on the sidewaaalllkkk. I wish my text told you that was a song
apparently i was just sitting there with my shirt down holding my boobs saying "its ok. its all gonna be ok"
MASS TEXT: who ever dared Todd to suck on the Clorox wipes last night.. good goin jackass. you can come visit him, hes in room 266, AFTER hes done getting his stomach pumped.
HE DARED ME TO DARE HIM... DONT PUT THAT ON ME.
I feel like someone kicked me repeatedly in the ribs. I don't think sex is supposed to do that.
I feel like god wrote up a contract of my life, and i just signed off on that shit without reading the fine print.
See what happens chris. I told u not to invite her over. Now shes on her way to jail and were stuck with two pomeranians.
I found someone's tooth on the stairs when I was vacuuming, and my sister found a catheter in the men's bathroom... this cleaning job is dangerous
I just found a weed leaf in my leg hair..
There's no way I'm ready for marriage. I have too many pics of other guys' junk on my phone for an eternal commitment right now.
You woke up, mumbled something about forgetting to lock the truck at work, slapped my ass, then passed out again...
He uses Bing as his search engine...but he's great in bed. So obviously I'm torn.
Randomize
