Is it possible to jerk off a nipple?
So I called her out for all the gossip she does and she's like "you do the same, bitch"
So I was like "Im classy like the Countess, youre just a bitch like Kim."
Kudos on the Interstate Housewife metaphor.
I had a dream that I had 21 friend requests. it was the best day
You slow clapped the stripper last night.
Night is still young. Puking guts out part of it just began
If you asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be today, I can pretty much guarantee I wouldn't have replied with "buying hemorrhoid cream on Bourbon St at 7am"
I JUST HAD A FLASH MEMORY OF DOING A SHOT OF WHISKEY WITH MY BEER YOU WERE SUPPOSED TO PUNCH ME IN THE FACE TO PREVENT THAT FROM HAPPENING.
The people at subway are so judgy when you stop to get a sandwhich on your walk of shame
Just broke into a house and crawled through a window. Upside: getting laid.
He's gonna be like you slept with too many of my friends and you're being voted off the island haha
Hey can you explain why there's a dissected coconut in my purse????
Your penis caused this!
he's figured out my code; what are you doing = I haven't found a better dick yet
The progression was banging a stripper banging an unemployed stripper banging a sexual entrepreneur quarantining with benefits totally fucking whipped. Get it right dude
I woke up in a warehouse with the words “Property of Adam” written on my chest in frosting.
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