Where the fuck is Rob at, he hasnt answered his phone in like 2 weeks.
Dude Rob died 2 weeks ago wtf?
Holy shit r u serious? How?
Just kidding, but im pretty sure he boned your gf and doesnt want to talk to you.
You broke her grandpas urn and ran your hand through his ashes claiming it was pixie dust. I think thats why shes mad at you..
How in the hell did I take a shot of whiskey to the eyeball last night?
Breakfast=the leftover margarita in my car. Have a great day.
Dude. I have so much pot that i only worry about running out of lighters
Where are you? I hear fireworks and you've gone missing. I'm sure that is not coincidence.
Then me, her, and her mom snorted tequila. The bartender was in shock.
That is was cool to fuck the single mother accross the street until every girl i bring home gets the car keyed.
Dude I woke up and he was pissing in the corner on his clothes... I called his name an he replied " I got this" and continued.
Oh dude I know. When something that's supposed stop pregnancies taste like chocolate something's up
I left when you were using your mug to lay on the street and ask for spare change
Hey, thanks for not calling the cops when I answered the door naked, high as fuck, and covered in red velvet cake batter.
Just so you know sleeping with you is like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
That's the most romantic thing I've ever heard
Were not even through the second month of the year and I potentially may have torpedoed a marriage...
Dude, don't beat around the bush. We're fucked and you know it.
Randomize
