I'm not a real person
I'm sorry, everyone knows that
I need a slap back to reality. Or at least a slap back to homosexuality
I am drinking with my family and the average drinking tolerance is a shot and a half. I feel like the incredible hulk.
his facebook status quotes britney spears so there is always that
shit pants at work. discarded underwear.
just showed this text to the guy at west elm. luckily we did not stool ourselves in the midst of the ensuing hilarity. so you're commando now?
yep! most awkward part is that i was a few feet away from a client, talking and looking him in the eye. i've never stooled while looking someone directly in the eye.
his name is not nearly as fun as i thought to yell out in bed
some people wear their heart on their sleeve but you just wear your vagina on your face.
You went from loaded cattleman, to football player, to better football player, to art major from Missouri. Your future was looking so good for a while.
Porch rule of tonight: when you sing, you must use "something" as a microphone. The person to use the most "creative" object gets the door prize...so far Stephie is winning with Jennifer's dog.
They make twin pack pregnancy tests for girls like us
He stumbled into my room, flopped on my bed, shoes on my pillow and asked me for a juice box. Then fell asleep with the juice box on his forehead.
I just laughed so hard that my back cracked so hard that I thought I was cumming. Magic
pretty sure I woke up to him jacking himself off IN MY BED
It took me an hour to walk from my drive way to my front door... what the fuck was in that weed?
Was that you calling me at 4am asking to borrow a rubber ducky and a tampon?
Randomize
