I went out, and slept with my sunglasses on
I just sold a pizza for the ability to listen to spice girls.
Just took a closer look at the paper that kid wrote me his number on. It was an ATM receipt. His balance is $17.89. i made the right choice.
i lost virginity while listening to candy shop. something in my life has finally gone right.
Pre-game strategy: play thunder by yourself in the shower. Surprisingly, success.
this morning your mother said to me "sorry to have to meet you like this, in my sons bed" later she said "you never know whos gonna be in there. its scary sometimes"
Either this is the best sandwich I've ever had, or my stomach is just relieved to have something in it that's not Red Bull or semen.
There's a big hole in the wall at the dining hall. I hope we didn't do
My dad wants to dress like mitt Romney tomorrow night and tell trick or treaters they owe him candy.
I had to talk to the cops at my front door in a bathrobe, with the buttplug still in.
forgot to tell you your neighbor walked out of her house this morning just as I was leaving shirtless
I was so high I watched a 5 minute video of different scenes of horses running. The music was magical.
Dude, i just watched a drag queen dropkick a motherfucker. this is a good night.
I walked into the bathroom and there's this 6'5" cop washing his hands. He looks at me and goes, "Heard you singing outside. Sound real pretty."
No more tequila EVER.
Everyone in Columbus is two degrees of separation from my vagina.
Randomize