i wrote down the address for planned parenthood on the back of the receipt for the condom that broke
I booked us a cruise for November. Lose 20 pounds and don't cheat on me before then.
They just both started mumbling "i cant go home like this" "it's all over my face" "do you have extra pants?"
I decided to buy a keg of Miller Lite instead of paying the electric bill. Just thought I'd give you a heads up...
They're letting me teach a freshman-laden class now. This university needs better background checks.
I am more familiar with your toilet than I ever want to be with any appliance
As an added bonus, you will have a "25 blowjobs a month" voucher, expiring thirty days after the first initial bj.
I don't think anybody else enjoys making out with multiple guys on the same night as much as I do. I'm like a wine taster but with lips... it's like art to me. The bruise on my upper lip is proof of it
You don't care if I shave my legs, but you insist I be conscious for sex. Whatever. I really think your priorities are out of whack.
I feel like saying your blowjobs are worth a burrito is not the best strategy to get him to be more giving in bed.
She sleeps with her hand around my balls. First I thought it was just a comfort thing. Now I think it's to make sure I can't slip away in the middle of the night.
You're gonna be sprawled out basking in the sun working on your tan like a ridiculously hot iguana, and I'm gonna be here bundled up in about 72 layers just so I don't freeze my dick off looking like the Michelin man's gay cousin
i apologize, I may have called you an iguana
Mistakes were made
Can we climb Your roof?
No bitch its 2am go home.
You like pics of my balls that much?
I am at the store looking at frames as we text...
when i was on the highway she passed out and knocked my transmission into nuetral with her forehead...that was an experience
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