I woke up at 7am naked in my bathtub with the shower running. My apartment was so full of steam that my ceiling was dripping. Who thought it would be okay for me to get my own place, anyway?
Going to get tested monday. You're coming with. Bonding time, slut style.
I don't think I have ever been told that I am "probably too drunk to pet the stingrays" by a cop before.
i do some of my deepest thinking on my wednesday morning walks of shame
He tried to finger me at Disneyland! He tried to taint the happiest place on earth!
You get home ok?
Uh, you stopped by my house at 4 am and woke me up, so yeah.
Do you think next time you could control the yawn? Kind of a buzzkill to be mid-orgasm and see you yawning over there.
The smell of mosquito spray completely ruined the sex.
Ohh I see how it works, eat pussy and I get Reese's pieces.
I sent him a cookie cake that said "Congratulations you're not a father"
I just said "I love my cat" as a hobby.
He came over and fucked me while my conference call was on mute. Working from home is the best.
If one more dude who finds out I'm a cop asks to see me in uniform I'm gonna become asexual
So you're willing to shred any respect that you had for your body on some random chick who's only looking for sex? That's the worst thing I've ever heard.
I mean, it won't be 100% meaningless, I know her middle name.
I'm like the kinda excited when David After Dentist stands up in his seat, screams, and collapses
Randomize