he's dressed up as spiderman, i don't understand why he's crying.
So essentially hes paying me $150k/year for the rest of his career to not have sex
SERIOUSLY? WTF! why cant I find a super hot, super gay, super conservative christian NFL player in need of a beard?
When I get home we should play "let's see how many Christmas movies we can watch before we start having sex."
The face that yo gabba gabba comes up when I'm stoned and searching for yoga workouts is scary or dangerous
The to do list extremely baked self wrote for me last night says "1. Join gym 2. Passport? 3. Join a gym" And then just a drawing of a squid
Don't bang him. The amount of Jack Johnson he listens to is embarrassing for even a white person.
BTW rolling him off the couch and onto that tarp was pure genius. He definitely pissed himself last night.
How do I go about this? "Hey, its my birthday in 40 minutes. Would you like to come over for some sex? Also, please bring snacks"?
That awkward moment when your boyfriend tries to have sex with his go pro on #hdporn
Slept with the roommate last night and also discovered that she believes in eugenics. I may need to slow down my drinking
if he ever tells me he loves me when we are sober, i am a goner. just fyi.
Everyone is a disappointment when you lose your virginity to nine inches
Burnt food and a broken vibrator. Disappointment after disappointment. Is April a man?
so i just realized the reason you didn't answer my call last night is because the remote isn't a phone.
You do realize last night you asked me if shampoo had an expiration date then cried for 15 mins when I told you it did
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