Omg. Just talked to a semi driver from nebraska. Got her truck stuck. Gave her and her riding buddy a glass of vodka and a cig. YES.
you were leaning against the vending machine asking if there was a shower you could puke in.
The birthday girl is bringing her own barf bucket, it is going to be a good weekend.
do you think she knows her nickname is brickface?
I took shots of absinthe with my mom just now. Except awful things.
So I went tanning and I burned my boobs.
They're like sad pomegranates.
Holy shit, I just successfully took and sent a boob pic AT MY DESK I have conquered an entire new level of skill.
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
5 hours of volunteer work playing with puppies and banned from the frat I hate most as 'punishment'... Besides the ER trip, I'm not seeing the bad in this situation
While randomly hooking up with my neighbor last night he says "it's okay we're neighbors".
You grabbed your house keys, threw them at the door and asked, "did it open?"
Shout out to my liver for being the true MVP. It easily put in more work than LeBron or Curry this week.
Sorry my phone died because I decided charging my vibrator was way more important
I'm just trying to figure out the reason why humans wear socks....
How was I supposed to know the accent was fake before i slept with him
Randomize
