Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
he laminated a picture of his dick.
I don't think my body can handle the alcohol I want to put in it anymore.
she tried to deny peeing on the floor last night. she said she wouldn't make it to the bathroom only to pee on the floor
oh but she would
Make sure you have everything youll need until sunday. aka a green shirt and condoms.
I thought he was walking around the front. I just hit and run my booty call. I'm the worst non girlfriend ever
Bruce the cab driver wants to take me on a date to see Taken 2
Couldn't find my swimsuit top anywhere this morning but finally found it in the skimmer of the pool so thats how my night apparently went
Had to snap chat three different people to ask who left the bite mark on my thigh. All three said "Wasn't me". Now I can't wear a bathing suit to my mom's pool.
If I remember correctly I tried to steal a mail truck last night
his mom fetish really needs to stop. this is literally the 5th time i've come home from work and there's been some random skank and her kids in the living room.
did one of the kids use their poo like a crayon on the wall this time?
I'm eating a block of cheese like its a sandwich in the tsa line
I think I'm so comfortable in my sexual relationship because he mostly wants to see me naked with large plates of bacon tastefully placed upon my body
Fun fact. A penis can be used to catapult cheetos.
Forget about letting a 70-year-old man suck on my tits for coke... telling my new boyfriend about it was the poor life choice.
Randomize
