I just got really nervous and swallowed all of my birth control
i saved all my weight watcher points for this alcohol
Literally just as i started to cum the church bells next ot my house began to ring. either it was the most epic timing ever or god was watching and congratulating me
did i by any chance text you anything about feathers last night?
you mean faeutihaers?
so i turned around to do some reverse cowgirl when he said that this was such a better visual for him. Bad compliment or serious insult. i cant tell
You're breaking my vagina 4 times a day I reserve the right to know your middle name.
The magic cards should have been the first clue. The comments that I have "amazing birthing hips" and that I'm "beautiful in a child bearing sort of way just sealed his fate.
I literally saw him try to open a beer can with his anus. We need o step up our game.
Just stole a goat. Bringing it to your house to cock block. Blame the goat not me.
I keep telling girls I work at the carnival and then guessing their weights. I'm pretty sure I'm about to get kicked out.
I just got my hands on some dry ice. How do you feel about coming home to a mystical wizard toilet?
if it doesnt flame it aint got game is a bad drinking motto eyebrow-wise.
eyebrows regrow, your balls dont
Your feet probs hurt bc the cab driver kicked us out a mile from home after you wouldn't stop screaming "prohibition can suck my dick"
Yeah, sorry about that. Dropped the phone on my face while I was watching porn.
You spent the entire night trying to catch pigeons and hugged a homeless guy and then gave him a pregnancy test.
Randomize
