I'm bakin' bread in my pussy!
What?
I have a yeast infection.
Yeah I'm a responsible adult man but I legally unbind myself from anything that occurred that evening and am in no way responsible for those actions.
Last night: Repeatedly yelled about how the fishbowl tasted like blue, stole a stranger's hat, hugged the DJ for playing my request, made out with my roommate, and abandoned the guy I dragged to the club in the first place
This morning: Hat doesn't fit, hangover headache is blue, and I can't move without getting lightheaded
Listen when they tell you not to drink after giving blood
so the photographer said "let's get a picture of the cousins" so we posed together, and then he said " lets get a picture of the couples" So we posed together.
I imagine I kinda look like a banana with one boob out.
I jumped out of a moving car going sixty into my driveway because I had to shit so bad. It is not a good day today.
Going back to the ever classy sneak out to the fridge and swig liquor from the bottle method. That it is legal for me to drink here makes the fact that I have to do this all the more depressing.
So... I woke up on a bench with a honey bun on my chest.
So I have to masturbate in a hospital. I wonder what kind of porn they have.
You were taking in your sleep. You were like Jess that's that animal we were talking about and you Hugged her feet
Chick in the reindeer getup puked on Baby Jesus last night. But then she bought us all empanadas so she's cool.
They pay me enough to pretend to be either helpful, or heterosexual. If they want both I need one hell of a raise.
... and this time i WILL NOT make out with anyone dressed as batman.
my personal favorite... An "I'm sorry you broke your finger and cant play sports for awhile" blowjob!
i shit you not. the flight is delayed because they have to change fucking light bulb. all the airport bars are closed and my shit is in checked luggage.
Randomize
