I will also inform you that stairs change when you change a house. Those hurt.
Don't worry. I just took 2 benadryls and beat off. I'm practically sleep texting
Hes the only one i know who can talk to a girl for an entire hour abuot the science in starwars and still get laid.
She was horrified when I asked if they had any strap on chin dildos, I was at a sex shop for gods sake must I be judged everywhere
Oh yeah, found out i got it from my boyfriend's wife. Thanks though.
I don't want to ruin date night, but you have no idea how hard it is to poop whilst looking at cute puppies.
She said, after pronouncing how sober she was, and I quote 'Take this bag, it's so heavy it's like 500 degrees! Wait, is it time to go? Can I run? I think I can run!' Then she ran away.
i fell out of the car and didnt spill my drink. come overrrr
truly a win in your book
you were bawling because you felt bad for being so drunk and then you asked for a beer
I walked out in my coconut bra, and that's when it all went downhill.
Who told you that acid and Jurassic World was a good idea?
dont remember, but I'm pretty sure I was convinced that the hybrid dinosaur was satan the whole time. It was actually very spiritual
How'd your date go last night?
Well I blacked out at 1:30 and woke up naked in not-my-date's bed with an uneaten Jimmy John's sandwich.
you know you’re single when you try to cook yourself a nice pasta dinner but you’re too weak to open the container of sauce and theres no one around to help you
The list of people who didn't throw up last night is insanely smaller than the list of people who did
So it was a successful night I take it?
He's eating me out right now. That's how bad he is.
Randomize
