Do you not remember dry humping your dog for 20 minutes at oxfest dude?
ask if his dick looks like a sausage. alex's bro told me that's a sure sign. btw took pain pills. maybe shouldn't listen to me.
the girl i fucked last night woke up this morning, disoriented and looked at me, and said "oh, you're hot." and went back to sleep.
Watching water boil has never been so amazing. I love wake-and-bakes.
An attempt at squeezing a tomato to make a bloody mary just says desperation all over it....
Feeling better?
I can stand long enough to do the dishes finally. Been trying that all day.
nothing says "you're fucked" like watching a movie with the family and a handle of vodka comes crashing down from your hiding spot in the ceiling tiles.
she broke my one feeling. seriously I think she broke my dick.
remember how i yelled at you for inviting that coke dealer to the party?! i found the $100 bill they were snorting with in the couch.
..new slutty dresses or booze? i won't even waste time with the i told you so.
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
"YOU ALWAYS BEEN A HOE YOU ALWAYS GONE BE A HOE. THAT'S JUST THE WAY IT'S GONE BE." overheard at temple
When I said I wanted you to make noise during sex, I didn't mean mocking ones.
Sorry you saw me having sex with your brother on the beach
Oh yeah I meant to tell you the Tomb Raider looking girl so crop dusted me on the stairway
I just talked with someone about real estate trends in Atlanta then got three blowjobs in a row. Boom.
Randomize
