How do you jack off and text at the same time?
On my iPhone they have an app for that
Does it still count as a "walk of shame" if it's only 1am?
we got a new version of the plan b at the pharmacy now. its called next choice. you would think they would come up with better names for these things.
Sometimes I forget to take my socks off when I masturbate. This always makes me feel like I'm accidentally in a porn.
did i walk over a car last night?
You told them that the brownies were safe, and then pointed to a passed out Ryan and said "see?"
Dude, I need a lifestyle change. I'm to old to be making out with chicks in foam parties, letting older chicks get all excited because I let them put their hands up my shirt, and running around doing scavenger hunts with 18 yr old chicks.
If you make 120 dollars and I walk instd of drive and don't eat or smoke this week we can pay rent
The 4th is next week. If we don't get to a new level of high, we will be letting down George Washington.
I think I ingested my vampire fangs last night.
Sometimes I wish I lived alone because there would be no one to judge me if I wanted to have whiskey and popcorn for breakfast.
Talking to a customer about getting high and staring at glow in the dark wheels while there is a cop in the store. Just another day in Tampa
You're doing screenings before you set me up again- no child sized dicks allowed.
We were covered in sweat and glitter, making out onstage, in front of everyone. I think it was a good night.
just played fuck the dealer and thunderstruck with my physics ta. he is the third ta that i have drank with this semester, i think i'm getting good at college
Randomize
