Ok let's jusst not talk today bc then we'll just do dangerous things but I'll say hello
Her vagina should come with caution tape.
I'll trade you a raw potato for some vodka
my tits taste like a pina colada. how often do you get to say that?
Phosphoglyceraldehydration... why the fuck is this a word
i love that he's uncircumcised. it makes handjobs so much easier. it's the lazy susan of penises.
What happened at the top of the stairs is never to be spoken of again.
You said eat breakfast. So i poured Baileys on top of m&m's. It taste just like like cereal I swear.
Is it true if I say your name three times, you'll appear and whore everything up?
I woke up in my living room, on the floor, wearing nothing but a fur coat?
Dear me: Drinking & crying tonight, my place, 9pm sharp. Love, your life
i don't knpow whats goin on i think theyre sacrificeing me to th tequila gods
If we can put a man on the moon, I'm sure we can turn a pringles can into a bong.
Dilemma. I'm out of wine and I can't put on clothes to go to the liquor store bc I just got spray tanned. If this isnt white girl problems I don't know what is.
hi, I love you... and I'm sorry your floor is covered in popcorn, your cabinet is broken, all your alcohol is gone, you're 80 dollars poorer, everything in your bedside table is soaked in beer, austin slept in your bed in those disgusting underwear, I made out with your toilet seat, and for talking to your mom with a four loko in my hand
Randomize
