When I woke up his cat was sleeping on my face and i had scratch marks on my neck. not happy.
only room for one pussy in that bed.
I think I won the penis lottery.
So I just went home and made my own spanx by cutting the legs off of a pair of nylons. I'm either a genius or missed my calling to live in a trailer park.
can we please take bets on how much therapy you'll need in the future?
I just found out that the liquid capacity of my breasts is 700ml each. I should not be left alone at home when drunk.
i can now proudly say that ive peed off of a balcony overlooking the pacific ocean AND a balcony overlooking the atlantic ocean
Partying with them is like having your dick stapled to your left nostril
it is basically gonna be an ugly Christmas sweater rave
You rolled onto your side and told me 'this is the recovery position'. That was after you were stoned. You've done this way too much.
He told me I was "too flexible." Excuse me?
In other news, the one guy I DIDN'T have sex with in High School is now famous.
He poured champagne on my pussy while he ate me out. I found my unicorn.
The guy got mobbed on, all hell broke loose. About 20 cops showed up, and this kid somehow convinced a cop that letting him pee in front of him is justifiable. This guy could sweet talk Hellen Keller, he was THAT good
He texted me at 4:30 in the morning saying "I'm not drunk but I think you're beautiful" and then a facebook message at 6 am saying "hi" and the subject was "oh"
It baffles me why I still wear white underwear...
Randomize
