I wanna blow your doors off so bad right now.
Doors?
Rock your world. Blow you out. Skeet skeet.
i just realized that no matter how many potstickers i eat, i will never be asian
She came to work with 6 additional layers of make-up, playing every Nickelback song about explicit teen sex, and with a dozen twinkies she bet she could finish without chewing any. I'm investing in a rape whistle.
Just rolled over and found your boyfriend in bed with me. Is mine at your house?
I feel like I've wasted too many painkillers on hangovers
SHE JUST SHOVED MY HAND DOWN HER PANTS AT THE BAR
Don't text me with that hand
IF WE WERE REALLY BEST FRIENDS FOREVER YOU GUYS WOULD AGREE TO A WATCHING A PORNO PARTY
You know what the worst feeling in the world is? Sitting in your 6pm AA meeting still hungover from the night before
I'm pretty sure I just gave myself third degree burns from punching my pizza.
There something liberating about walking through the dorm hallways without pants on.
His 12 year old sister has bigger boobs than me and now that's all I can think about when we have sex
Even blacked out me knows not to sleep with socks on
I couldn't read the menu. I ordered the first thing I was able to read. Don't think I ate anything. Left $20 on the table.
...take a good look at your butthole.... then try matching it to any paint color on the Benjamin Moore color wheel....not gonna happen...
I've officially slept with/dated two guys that have gotten tased. What the fuck is wrong with me
Randomize
