How fat would you say she has to be before I can consider this a threesome
My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
Sitting in the library lobby in the middle of exam week. Drunk. Dressed as santas slutty helper. Waiting for the student shuttle service. People are clapping for me as they walk by. Tell me how this isnt college
whoever says they hate hangovers just doesnt know how to embrace them. i'm eating a mashed potato sandwich and watching grind.
before you smothered your pizza in mayo you blotted it with a napkin saying you were trying to watch your fat intake
I saw Winona at my church today. She has boobs, now.
Miracles do happen.
I swear a good massage is the easiest way in my pants.
Not that there's a hard way... but you know what I mean.
yeah, and when i walked in on them fucking he said "go away, i'm making sons."
I thought of you while cleaning the forehead prints off my glass doors.
Katelyn drunkenly ripped the soap dispenser off the wall so we decided to call it quits
I was trying to chase her off the carpet, but now there are figure-eights of cat vomit. everywhere
BABIES FOR EVERYONE. I'd be like Oprah except with babies
Being drunk is way better. Seriously, I just licked your brother to make sure my spit was actually real.
Technically, I traded a soft pretzel for sex last night...
No joke. There's a picture of the priest I made out with on my parents' refrigerator.
Randomize
