Fine. I'll sleep in my office
One minute shes telling me about her volunteer work then she whips out a 12 inch dildo
id like to point out that while i was just peeing a condom fell out of my vag.
Found a pint glass in my snow pants.
You expect me to find someone in two days who I feel comfortable enough with to ask them to get drunk and go play in foam with me?
I just tipped the cab driver with pistachio nuts. And he loved it.
Our sex has gotten so much better since we broke up.
I'm figuring, since someone shoved pizza crust in my ear last night, there might be some leftover pizza.
Rolled in at 3:30am from the strip club, with all the screaming I did, Siri doesn't even recognize my voice this morning,
All I could think of during that funeral was how great I look in a suit, how creepy catholics are, and how horny I am.
I gave them the 'I used to fuck your son' discount.
Thank you contacting dial-a-boner. Currently, our boner is on a run to service another client. You can either wait 2 hours for service, or share concurrent service with the current client.
You grabbed my arm, said "I need you" in a very concerned voice and dragged me to the other room where you were blasting Evolution of Beyoncé.
How do I word.. " hey, I need you to fuck me really hard and see if you or I can feel my birth control. No worries, this is just an experiment." In a nice way without them feeling used.
FINE I guess I'll just drink regular coke like a PLEBIAN.
Randomize
