I just had to have my mom look at my penis to figure out what it was. How do you think my day is going?
you looked like a weeble wobble. everytime we thought you were going to fall you bounced back up...you're an amazing drunk
Yeah I guess I was Pocahontus. If she were a trifling drunk who hung out in her undies, with possible brain damage.
there's a guy here who looks like a hipster got a hold of obama and gave him a makeover.
Fun fact: tonight on intervention was the guy who did my tattoo
I like how my family gatherings are basically an ugly sweater party just with better beer and wine...
Currently bar hopping with 30 Navy SEALS. I know i'm safe but damn its hard to pick up chicks when you feel like a big pussy.
after taking her first shot and having her first random hook up she finally feels like she is ready for college
she has no idea
just cockblocked my boss's 17 year old son at the Christmas party
Just stabbed myself in the face trying to lick melted cheese off a kitchen knife.
Everyone threw up but him. I took off my shirt because I puked on it. There were also a lot of drag queens involved.
She sucks enough dick that I could make her mouth a legitimate Yelp location.
Future roommate keeps sending me pictures of cool shit she has for our dorm and I'm just like "... I have a set of Aggie wine glasses a great set of tits."
Woke up in a sombrero and a males speedo. Tequila makes normal peoples clothes fall off, however it makes me fall into a questionable identity crisis
We tried to do sophisticated last night, but our low class kept shining through.
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