Police were just in my backyard to recover a loaded .38. What the fuck?????
We will have to stop frequently for food, stretching legs, interesting things on the side of the road, and sex. So you might as well eat.
Go to petsmart and tell me if the dog trainer is the guy I slept with friday. Thanks.
She's cheated on every boyfriend she's ever had with the same guy. She's like a slutty yo-yo.
Apparently I told his new girlfriend to stop swallowing because she's getting fat. Oh, and I yelled this across a large room
just found out I caught the bouquet at the wedding. I win for being the drunkest yet most functional bridesmaid.
Okay, who took a picture of their pubes shaved into a dragon on my phone and made it the background?!
stuck in a tree...bring a ladder. also my arm might be broken. no questions are allowed.
Woke up this morning naked, wrapped in a bath mat with a wad of singles on the table. I'm calling it a win.
I watched Morgan Freeman explain the existence of nothing, now I'm afraid of sub - atomic particles. these egg rolls are outstanding
He just ranted to some customer about fourth of July being ruined and I just shouted USA the whole time in the background. It was kinda epic
quickly learned not to sleep with your roommate and work colleague in the same week
Is there a tactful way to ask "how are your balls?" Or do I just ask point blank
Dude, I'm at a wedding and there's a mashed potato bar and bacon strip appetizers. I'm getting all emotional.
Over Bumbled last night. I think I set my dog up on a date Sunday afternoon. I have to drive him, meet the other dog’s dad and secretly drink a bottle of champagne from a “water bottle”. This is not what I expected 30 to be like.
Randomize
