What a fucking waste of an outfit
The only thing I've had to eat today was the half eaten sausage biscuit I found on my chest when I woke up this morning.
I just saw a pair of panties stretched over a fire hydrant on campus... I need to get the fuck out of this town
This threesome is so guaranteed that dinner feels like a charade
i was picked up off the floor by a stripper, if thats not a new life low then i dont know what is.
He thought he was drowning because he was drinking water and intentionally holding his breath. Dear god what did you get me in to.
Oh and now he's calling me Brohammed Ali.
i just deleted him from my phone. and yes... I did just text you this from less than 20 feet away.
I'm not judging.. I sure as hell am not getting out of my bed to come talk to you about this. but i support your decision
Well, you've continued the theme of living with people who's dicks I've sucked.
...and if you can get the necessary ingredients to make the Buffalo Chicken Melt, I will latch forever at your Teat of Justice.
On my way to return shoes I bought so that I can afford to buy a pregnancy test. Is this adulthood?
You know I base where I go on the likelihood of me getting laid there. This includes work.
Imma go take shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
I'm going to smell of sex and shame.
How is that different than any other Monday night?
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
I passed out while searching "symptoms of narcolepsy"...
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