Just wondering why in an apartment full of stoners there is half a waffle in the TRASH CAN. get ur shit together man
I just woke up to me licking the dognuts
You mean Doughnuts?
......No :(
I told her we could be friends and she said the last time i told her that we had sex behind a bar at 4am
She called me in the morning crying, but I was busy cleaning up bird guts, very hungover. It was a very surreal morning.
I'm walking home wearing Kermit the frog footie pajamas, carrying a monogrammed shot glass set with my name on it. It's fucking Christmas!
I've carried my liver for over 24 years. If it can't carry me for the next 24 hours than it deserves to be damaged.
nothing can ever be as bad as the night i blacked out, updated my fb status to i need a pity fuck and then passed out for 13 hours.
I'm sorry for not being sorry about whatever shit I did to you when you were annoying and I was drunk. That is all.
He is currently pregaming mini golf. MINI GOLF.
pretend your vagina is a choco taco and the guy is someone who really loves choco tacos. let him enjoy the choco taco.
if it wasn’t 100% before, it is now that i will most definitely die a quesadilla related death
Why does your place smell like gin and misery?
I prefer to think of it as 'ode to single life'
I got so drunk last night I took a ice bath with my mother in law
Just got thrown out of the club for making condom water balloons. I'm not ashamed.
Put on my pants to go to work and discovered they had melted.
Randomize
