woke up naked, spooning with wine bottle.. and my video chat was still open. fuck, not again.
The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
He told me that a camel appeared out of nowhere and it told him to quit smoking...
He's more than prepared to help us move. Dude brought sunscreen, cans of Coke, and Captain Morgan.
He made me meet him in the baby department of walmart where he was waiting with his pregnant girlfriend. Time for a new dealer
When you're high, you dance like an injured velociraptor.
The guy I blew last night was pierced in multiple places. I had to use extra caution to avoid my temporary filling.
So I bet a guy he could drink two irish car bombs faster than me and I lost. now he gets to name our first son. sory.
After last night, I think I need a service animal to monitor the life choices I make when I'm inebriated. A monkey, or a clever dog. Or a really assertive parrot.
She answered the door wearing a basket, said it was the only clean thing she had.
On a scale of 1 to 10 how concerned should I be
You know you've been having sex for 9 months when you do Rock Paper Scissors for who has to go on top
Ate a slug for 39 dollars
I wouldn't expect anything less from a PhD student
Going to the pool bar doesn’t exactly count as “exploring”
I’m sorry, some of us common-folk don’t have access to steady dick
Randomize