Approach what situation? Look, I dunno if you think I'm like some lezbo cheetah waitin in some shrubs to pounce on you the second I see you, but I'm not!
well, everyone in my office is getting a nice laugh right now. But seriously... please delete my number
So I'm driving and this guy next to me at the stop light is reving his engine and honking at me. Motherfucker thinks that's because I'm asian and drive a honda I'm automatically going to race him
It's probably just the physical manifestation of slut karma. But i of course mean that in the kindest way possible because i love you and respect your choices
I feel like if Miami and New Jersey fucked each other and produced a baby that would summarize the bar I'm in.
Absolutely. I could drink and smoke that memory away in a matter of years at my current rate.
If you already knew specifically that I was smoking a bowl in my remodeled bathroom AND THEN still wanted to initiate sexting, please proceed to the altar and marry me this instant.
I mentioned your name at this party and some girl started crying.
I try not to have friends with attractive fathers, it only brings my morals down.
she stole my Timberlands and my Sublime shirt and left her heels and bra. this is war
When the strippers start dancing to Christmas songs it's time to get the fuck out!
I can't remember if I puked before or after the shots of absinthe. Or why I thought shots of absinthe was a good idea.
For future reference, when he drunkenly screams "YOUR MOTHER SUCKS COCKS IN HELL," he means that he's about to throw up. Invest in a bucket.
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score onr for mom.
I've got a tequila scented hand sanitizer for you.
you're the best roommate i could ever have.
Just make sure you put pants on
....then im not going
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