Houston.. we have a drinking problem..
btw ... thanks for not giving me up as the craigslist killer
i owe you one
thanks for snagging those panties for me
fun fact: cucumber in vinegar with pepper = best ever high snack
I tried to tell him it was only 2:00, but he said since it was 5:00 in New York, it was perfectly acceptable. He then put on a Blues Brothers hat and a pair of wayfarers and left. I expect him home in a few hours with a police escort.
ohhh my god. this party should be titled "my hookups of summers past" be expecting some good stories tomorrow
if my spotter knew I was listening to the Wicked soundtrack on my iPod, I wouldn't even be mad if he dropped the barbell on my throat
You destroyed the landscape if my vagina FOREVER.
im starting to recognize places in this city by where i have drunkenly peed in public
High as shit. I just described caramel syrup on crackers to my mom for 15 minutes...
Just cleaned someone else's sperm off of my bedroom wall. Never throwing a house party again.
The bachelorette started when I opened the door and they threw a few dozen dildos at me.
So I just sneezed blood everywhere. On the upside. After yesterday I feel way more confident AND I give even less of a fuck.
PENIS EMOJIS WOULD MAKE MY LIFE SO MUCH EASIER GAH WHY DOES THE WORLD HATE ME
I'm eating Swedish fish out of my boobs and watching SOA.. There is no way your Tuesday night will be better than mine.
Who knew that showing someone your boobs would make them stop crying.
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