My e-date is really photogenic. Real-life not so much
worst 3rd wheel sitch ever. i'm crammed into a booth with him and chubs mcgee and his hand is between her legs. thank youuu karma.
you came home covered in oatmeal wearing a tutu holding a stolen wrotting pumpkin and "its a girl" balloons tied around your neck.you were whispering the lyrics to aaron carters 'aarons party'. i think the real question was what DIDNT you drink last night
For using a life jacket as a pillow, I slept pretty good last night...
What's bad is when she said "what hobo did you steal this dick from?"
My uncrustable is thawing in my straightener
Just woke up from a weed coma and found a stem in my bra. Rainy day success.
I have cobwebs on my vagina for halloween. And bats fly out when I open my legs.
I'm laying in bed listening to Purple Rain on repeat. If you wanna bone, come up, but if not, at least Prince understands me.
I asked if I could borrow some condoms. She referred to herself as "a soup kitchen for whores".
hahaha every time i hear a motorcycle i think about that one time you almost died
Thanks for the flashbacks you prick.
Is "head down ass up" an appropriate way to say good morning?
He couldn't give me an orgasm, but he did give me a UTI.
I never truly understood the phrase ball is life until I started having to balance NBA finals and all these men with balls i'd like to handle.
Googling enemas while I get a pedicure ... My life in one senence
Randomize
