i have it on good authority that she is not as good at giving head as she claims she is
She's in the middle of blacking out but is singing Mariah carey songs. Hitting every note.
Have thirty minutes until my shift starts. My heart says liquor store but my future says no
Its like after 6 beers, the clap doesn't scare me anymore.
You should know I just got pulled aside by TSA because they found a bottle of Bud Light in my backpack... Thanks for that...
I took 20 bucks from you because when I woke up I saw more of you than I ever wanted to see bro.
Totally acceptable.
I don't remember much but I think I'm wearing your underwear, and for that, I am extremely grateful.
Ok I am NOT pregnant. I could shove coal up my vagina and my uterus would turn it into a diamond in a matter of minutes
Whenever you get off. By "pick me up from work" I mean, "pick me up from a bar by work at your earliest convenience" :)
Will you be my therapist? I don't want to tell me secrets to a strange person and be judged all over again when you have already taken the time to do it. Oh and I will pay you with alcohol
Remind me never to smoke before babysitting again. Ate an entire bottle of children's gummy vitamins.... not an easy thing to explain to parents.
Last night, I listened to Aladdin on my ipod while I stole bread and cheese from Wal-Mart. I feel like you're the only one who'd be proud of me.
I think I'm still high. And I definitely still smell like lobster, so there's that
I know her cup size but not her name....
Longest 30 seconds of my life
10/10 so not recommended
Randomize
