I consider it a successful poop when you only have to wipe once.
she screamed "my eye!" and it brought me a surge of bad memories. except she was yelling about a lemon.
and then he started using my ass as a stressball
someone just laughed at me while i'm laying on the floor waiting for the bus. like they've never been hungover.
Do you recall us playing flip cup on your head?
I blew him and did charles barkley impressions at the same time. what a pro
My penis just literally said "Yaaaaaay!!!" It's the first time it's spoken out loud. Before this we could only communicate through rudimentary sign language
The cops walked in and cracked up bec he was passed out on the couch in a pink tutu.
Just had a threesome with a hot Turkish guy and an even hotter French lawyer. This what happens when I travel alone. You have only yourself to blame for this.
I consider myself to be an upstream bisexual
You're the salmon of the gays...
I have decided that today will be all about indulgence and hedonism.
He is currently in a meeting and I am sexting him in Italian
And he's using Google translate to reply. Who says cross country relationships can't be fun?
Like he held up the condom afterwards, twirled it with his finger, and said "look at that load"
He fell asleep during FOREPLAY. Sober!!!
Im outta here as soon as my phone charges wtf
Whoever was the bastard/bitch/genius who duct taped my keys to my dick so I wouldn't lose them. I hate you.
Randomize
