I'm at derby!
The kentucky derby! But its night time, theres no way the horses are awake at this time.
he gave me an orgasm. multiple times. the weird stuff he did in middle school is now irrelevant.
I don't think the TSA agent thought getting iced while searching my bag was as funny as I did.
The last thing I remember is trying to split my bridesmaid dress down the back like the incredible hulk.
and you succeeded.
Ok, Jen and I are going out tonight and getting rowdy. I think you and Steph need to come. I understand if you can't, but not going out means you're automatically obligated to post bail. If necessary.
You want anything?
Gatorade and you naked.
Giving my coworkers lap dances cuz it was my turn to decide our team bonding exercise. Go happy hour!
But here's the wonderful thing about us. It's us. You could invite me over, get really wasted and end up sleeping with someone else and id be there in the morning to take you to breakfast.
I just saw a herd of slutty loofahs run down the street...
Cuz I feel like I ate the whole candy isle at 7/11 last night and chased it with rum
You pretty much did tho
Just got a Lifeproof case for Christmas so hold on and tell me how my shower nudes look
A Morman just tried to recruit me and I told him "Trust me, you don't want me"
Just wanted to share my unfortunate vagina news in the hopes that it would make your vagina feel better about itself.
He has fairy lights round his bed.. And played Jamie cullum when we had sex... Hes batting for the other team right?
Its like my group of friends and I are all dating and we're all just a bunch of Swingers, is that normal?
Randomize
