I woke up this morning in a strange bed with a kid with an accent playing with my feet.
Steve is enlightening me on how and why u put gerbils up your ass
believe me... letting the man that delivered you from your mother's vagina do shots off your stomach is really fucking awkward.
So after we got done with our cardiac arrest patient, I thought how awesome would it be to hook up the defibrillator pads to cook a burrito.
dude... how have they not drug tested you yet?
My goal for tonight: make tomorrow as awkward as humanly possible.
its sad that I know 23 beers will fit into my purse
Are you alive?
I googled "I don't want to vomit anymore," and "how to rip out your uvula," at 9 am this morning, but I'm still here. Uvula and all.
I don't want anything to do with the Darth Vader stripper babe. I'm just trying to make dreams come true.
I've been told that their best stripper is on maternity leave. NEVER AGAIN.
If you do that, i will make all sorts of uncomfortable comments about my nipples being soft
In local news, attempts to hide phone from extremely drunk self prove unsuccessful for Dallas woman.
Just as an add on, don't expect me to wear matching bra and underwear. If I do, I'm probably drunk and it's your fucking birthday. Have a great night.
Vagina status: the swelling is going down.
hey. this is your former cousin. you boned my best friend last night.
I asked him if we were exclusive and he followed up with, "If a tree falls in the woods and no ones around, does it still make a sound?" Wtf am I supposed to do with that?!
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