mrs. f**** your sons in jail, if you can help with bail please respond, if not please dont tell him i told you.
I seem to have left my pride at pride
apparently i ate an entire bag of goldfish, kissed some guy with a girlfriend who now wants to kill me, made my sister sleep in my bed with me while i wore no pants, and told my whole family i am pregnant with jonny's devil baby...never drinking again
When do i get to see u next week?
When I teabag your entire family
I may or may not be drunk driving a golf cart. Vegaaaassssssss.
i recognized the place by the puke stain i left on the pool table when i hooked up with his roommate.
I woke up with a fake mustache stuck to my chest and I can't even hold down water.
Did i mention i'm like the equivilent of a prepubescent boy suffering from preejaculacy? I just about creamed my pants when he grabbed my hand..
She sat on the toilet backwards so that she could hold onto the back part for balance. No she's not ready to go home.
Hungover. Have to fix everything I've broken. I'm gonna be very late.
She just took a mirror selfie at the hospital while in labor.
She had her pubic hair down there shaved into the superman s............. Best one night stand ever.
Just caught myself checking an online porn site while in a strip club. Might have a problem.
So I was just like hi, I'm your roommate's gf. Please don't hate me. That would be rly inconvenient for you.
I can't hangout tonight, I have a phone sex appointment at 10
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