Awkward is getting caught beating off in the company bathroom...
what if cement was really a rainbow color they just secretly paint it grey so as not to distract drivers
are you high?
Now you have tequila AND fuzzy slippers. Fuck you. I want that to be MY night.
we left the music on while we were fucking. some kanye west song started playing and he started to cry
This stranger told me I should "start playing for the other team" and then continued to talk to me about the joys of being a lesbian
I think I left my chapstick at your house when I tried using your penis as a catapult and flung it on the floor. Be a dear, and try to see if you can find it.
Woke up the day after the party with a bruise on my stomach. Pretty sure my liver was trying to escape for fear of it's life.
You should make a checklist to ensure they are quality material. Here's mine: wearing shoes, not drunk, very hot, has teeth, speaks english. You never know
woke up in a random sweater in a random bed in a random house on a street I don't recognize..
also, I vaguely remember swapping shirts with some random guy on the dance floor.
Yeah because the only thing stopping you from fucking Emma Watson is you not being a Gryffindor
Had weird bad dreams about you last night. Please tell me you didn't google my real surname and that you don't go to a needle exchange.
She took all the bottles out of the shower caddy and replaced them with booze. I just made a shower Manhatten. Imma marry this one.
I need to stop adding people I want to bone on LinkedIn.
..... starting now
I may or may not have spent student loan money on a vibrator, that falls under living expenses right?
So I ended the trip with two cold sores, poison ivy on my leg and vagina, and no alcohol or weed. WORST. 4TH. OF. JULY. EVER.
Randomize