Ducking stuck downtown...all the fuxkig roads are blixkded
do you think having her use a clorox disinfecting wipe on her vagina will keep me from getting her herpes if I don't have a condom?
Telling me its the beginning of school is like telling me the crown royal fairy has come back from vacation.
Just found weed in an empty handle. Who knew Capitan Morgan was also a gardener?
So I had sex in a bulldozer lastnight now that's definitely a first...
Rule #61 of being a lady: never get fingered by a finger with a knuckle tattoo
My night just got really weird. In a sit down stall bathroom at this nice resturaunt and this guy walks in as I rip a humongous porcelain-splitting fart. Well, I hear him stop for a second. He then opens the door to the stall next to mine, sits down and says, "player two has entered the game."
Did you win?
Did you clean his pubes up off the table yet?
Welp, I've officially cried in every Chipotle bathroom in the city. Correlation or causation?
Sometimes intelligent conversation doesn't mix well with a romantic interest. It's possible the two are best kept separate. Toys should just stay in the toy box.
Also I just took the BEST ass selfie of my adult life.... it's gonna be a good day haha
i just remember singing the theme song from 2 and 1/2 men to my hair
Get ready for me I'm full of tequila and I want to be full of you next
My Hitachi broke 1 day into this stay home bullshit.
I need like a billion tiny bottles of alcohol to put in the patron pinatas
Randomize