I was just at the urinal, started to go, then farted, then said oh yea out loud, then heard someone move in the stall behind me
life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
I hate the awkward morning-after-I-took-your-virginity conversations.
she just asked me to help her create a twitter page for edward cullen's hair.... seriously.
I feel if a girl leaves my house the next morning feeling degraded and in desparate need of a shower, then I have succeeded.
Next thing I know we're all standing in the kitchen holding hands and thanking God for the beer.
I really want to go out tonight but part of me wants to be able to honestly tell the judge tomorow that I didn't
If I had your job the next day id be on the news. And not the good news. Like fox & friends. Nancy grace would have my ass.
Oh, btw, UPS might come by. Drunk me ordered us $75 worth of gummy airhead starburst type candies. Whatever it is, it'll be delicious.
Dealing with people is so much easier after you've had an orgasm or 4.
Tinder recommend to a friend: making threesomes easier since 2016
In my defense I didn't know there was concrete on the other side of that fence when I tossed him over it.
You're both fucking idiots and this is why I should never let you two drink alone.
So, looks like I managed to leave my bra in the boardroom after all the sex. FML.
Isn't it funny how we're still best friends after that incident with the old lady in the bathroom
You fucking bailed on me. But I love you still
You and your dick were a topic of high regard tonight
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