he's the Salvador Dali of pubic shaving
just the thought makes me want to clean my vag with a clorox wipe
Like if Robert Downey Jr. and Kiefer Sutherland got together for a bender, that's how drunk I want us to be.
thank you for tagging me in all my pictures as "skank" and yourself as "made by the hands of God"
I think as far as last words to bitter ex girlfriends go, "enjoy that staph infection youre about to get in your uterus" is right up there with the best
When he grabbed my tits it felt like he was either giving me a mammogram or trying to pierce my nipples with his fingers.
No, she isn't nearly as crazy as the girl who wanted to wear a vial of my semen as a necklace.
I feel like I'm in an ocean of eels jacking me off
I feel like we should actually go to church one of these days to thank god for saving us from herpes and babies.
if i ever get hit by a car or something and become paralyzed promise me youll still be here to hand feed me shots and light my bowls please
Kinda forgot to grab tampons. Mind if I run to my house to get one? I'd rather not turn my green skinny jeans Christmas colors
New rule. Every time you and I have a disagreement that lasts longer than 10min, while in a bar, we'll have a shot. Figure we'll eventually start agreeing sooner rather than later...
Just want the two of you to know, I went to a golf tournament today. Respectable, expensive… Flipped the golf cart. Seriously, I'm 40. What the fuck?
It's a shame I've been hooking up with him for 6 months and he still doesn't know my real name.
Really should've known 2020 was gonna suck when the guy dressed as baby new year got arrested at our party 5 past midnight...
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