I am pretty sure he just licked my hand while trying to sing goo goo dolls iris to me. Get me out of this state.
They have a pepper shaker for pot.
Does my status still say I suck cocks? I don't know how to change it
It's not every day you get to see a girl fuck herself with a pickle.
My sink just fell out of the wall. I can't deal with this right now
Saw a sign earlier "Domino's Lava Cakes $3.00" and I thought of you. This text brought to you by thing I don't need to know about your sex life.
I had to step in when you tried to make it rain baking powder on my sister
He's coming back with me for the week. It took me saying "I don't wanna drive myself home... I'm better as a passenger giving road head" for him to jump at it. Rack another one up for my magical openings.
Heaven was on the 3rd floor and Hell was on the first. When the cop walked up he was confused as to who the noise complaint was for and wrote both apartments a noise violation.
After being his wingman last night, I've decided I will never talk about becoming a lesbian ever again. Picking up chicks is way too hard.
What made this night legendary was getting pulled over for looking suspicious while wearing an iron man mask
Beer acquired. Food is cooking
Wow, you are almost sliding into home plate for some stellar fellatio
I woke up this morning and the search history on my phone says: "What is this castle in front of my house?"
Are you sure he's still you're boyfriend when you're sober?
Go forth my friend, but don't do any of that fruitful and multiplying shit.
Randomize
