sometimes when you bring the thunder you get lost in the storm
can your parents tell?
i just had a cookie in one hand and a phone in the other and tried to eat my phone...they know
Cognac is not meant to be taken in shots. I just wanted you to know the desperation of last night.
I can't wait to hear about your drunken cab ride to planned parenthood at 2pm
you went over to those random dudes and told them you were an ordained minister and would like to bless their food. they laughed and agreed, then you said "now bow your heads in prayer" as soon as they did you grabbed a taco off their tray and bolted out the door.
I miss my brother. He would have fucked the fat girl for me.
I told you I would
I wouldnt do that to you. You're my actual friend
Dude, did you really "knight me" and tell me I had permission to bang your sister last night?
Do u remember giving me permission to fuck ur dad and then getting super pissed at me when i said ew?
How did I pull off convincing everyone that my name is Dad? Maybe they were just distracted by my boobs.
He said something last night about making crepes, but after getting pissed on in bed, I question everything.
I keep finding granola in my bed. This is what I get for sleeping with a guy from Oregon.
while on the topic of showers...why is there apple juice in our bathtub?
A guy at my table is reading a magazine called "Cheese Connoisseur"
How did I end up with the cock ring?!
i woke up this morning with a fake eyeball in my pocket
Randomize
