got arrested for "breaking and entering" last night when i supposedly went into the wrong house made a sandwich and tried jerking off to porn on the tv...the cops told me they came in while my dick was out...oh and i missed work this morning and got fired
Disgusting. If I saw her naked my dick would pack up his balls and leave.
They let me out of the holding cell just in time for me to get the morning-after-pill. Rock bottom feels even worse with all those hormones.
This is the time you want your cat to have telepathy with you. To know if the guy downstairs left.
I'm at a winery and there's a 50 yr old woman sitting at a table alone with a bottle of wine and the only time I've seen her get up is to harass the hot dog guy
Bren left me with a lovely parting gift. Newfouund alcoholism. I'm on the kitchen floor, hugging a bottle of vodka. It's my only friend now.
I think he's in need of mouth to penis resuscitation. Which I happen to be certified
He will. He has no choice. What's he gonna do? Find a better fuck buddy? We both know that's not possible. I'm the ideal friend with benefit. Minus snoring and uneven tits.
I found you walking along the street hammered. You walked up said hi and handed me a beer.
When he swipes my v card it will be comparable to my bat mitzvah. should I make sweatshirts or sweatpants?
I remember you fighting a small man for the last of the pizza. Was there a midget in my house last night?
I literally ate pizza on a toilet and made up reasons as to why you should make out with that boy. I am unstoppable.
So why are your hands bright blue and have you seen my roommate.
Both questions will answer each other.
Something I can get at drive through, boobs out, don't want to get out of the car
My New Year's resolution is to chill out on the group sex. At least with my friends anyway.
Randomize
