I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
I look like a poor person in the cast of Gay Oliver.
For those pictures, I will suffer this headache.
As soon as he lost the election, the reception's open bar became a cash bar. I have never been so disappointed in my countrymen.
I mean...he was throwing up for almost 3 consecutive hours. I don't think there's a chance in hell that would have tasted even close to tolerable.
Every part of me is in agreement...but mostly my vagina
Can I color on your dick again?
Word of advice, don't put your jar if peanut butter in the microwave, blue fire comes out
Masturbated before I came into work and now the finger scanner won't clock me in. Fuck Valentines Day.
You know you have done too many drugs when you gum the sugar off your margarita without even thinking twice
I WOULD SERIOUSLY RECOMMEND THE SHIT THAT I AM ON RIGHT NOW
And at the semi-adult age of 25 I have shit my pants. Not even drunk, just really late to work. Is this real life?
Let's drink tonight I promise I'll make it out of the house
Also I'd apologize for texting you flipping my shit about the science of hair growth while I was shrooming last night but we know each other better than that
Excuse me I just made a hot pocket without burning down the house, I think i can do anything.
Randomize
