I really hope you get sexually violated by a pterodactyl tonight.
This girl wants me to lick her pits
pits??
Yeah pits, I think I still go for it though
Masterbating to gospel music is like god cheering on your orgasm
ok, im coming! i just found some lemon square in my bangs, washing that out..this shit is all over me! was i in a pie eating contest?
yes
did i win? did you like my outfit? or should i change, if you were horny would you bang me?
Banging your ex-girlfriends best friend 3 days after you break up is like saying "fuck you" with feeling. I wouldnt have it any other way.
Ok. Also I almost just threw up. Seriously. I was think to myself "really? Here? Now? At my work desk?" and then it went away.
My life has literally become a dickpocolypse. Thank you, summer, I missed you.
How was me telling you it's my mom's birthday a go-ahead to bang my sister???
We were making condiment sandwiches, then her husband kept trying to get me to sleep with her. I hate being the only lesbian at the party.
its like..once you have one emotional drunk night, you can't stop. i feel like i have to end every drunken night in tears and i dont think my roommates think it's heartwarming anymore
This is God's way of telling me He loves me and wants me to be a cocktease.
Go forth my daughter and give blue balls to all who may gaze upon your tits.
Apparently, my drunken 3AM idea of safety is to send a GPS map of my location to someone 700 miles away. Seriously considering death as a viable alternative to this hangover. Death or Yuengling.
Crazy how fast a room full of drunk teenagers sober up when someone breaks his parents' new flat screen
Realizing life ain't all about burritos and strippers, it's a struggle out there, and it ain't looking pretty so far,..
skipped tacos for a blowjob. No tacos. No blowjob. More importantly...no tacos. Wtf?
Randomize
