I just dry heaved the smell of jagerbombs....which proceeded to make me hurl for real.
Just puked in a mcdonalds cup while driving. Didn't even swerve.
Its not small because its small, Its small because it was cold outside
My mom is getting really tired of hearing the excuse 'it's 5 oclock somewhere'
This is a pre-sorry for hitting on and then sleeping with you're ex
Fate is real! that hot chick, Megan just showed up dressed as jasmine and I'm dressed as Aladdin this is going to be cake
The guy who bit me so hard two nights ago that I had to put Neosporin on my nipple and the guy in my bed right now are two different people. Help
Sean slept in the bushes beside my house again. Any reason he kept screaming/slurring 'it was all a bunch of goddamn lies' through out the night?
As I came the Sportcenter app played that "dah nuh nuh" chime. Top ten life highlight?
I'm batshit crazy. I don't know how you guys keep forgetting that
YOU LICKED MY MAKEUP OFF.
He fingerfucked me in the hot tub and then we had sex in the wine cellar. See thats why I like partying with rich people
I fucked her with a giant balloon tied to my dick. You tell ME how my night went
Yes ma'am. I'm attracted to unconventional people, you know that.
True. I can't judge, half of my sexual partners I only know a false first name & a number. We all have our kinks.
Sorry about peeing on your phone last night
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