i just took a sip of diet coke and i said " as soon as it hits my lips i wanna smoke a cig." then i thought of your dick.
no... you woke up naked next to the toilet because you said your outfit was too cute to throw up in
threw up during christmas carols. the audience at the church seemed to immediately know i was a college student
i just realized the only form of arm exercise i get is holding my arms up in the stand up tanning booth
Dude. Hurry up. They just blessed the tequila.
Well, on the plus side, the hospital gave me a shirt that says "Makes a bad ass look good"
You straddled the banister and fell down the stairs, then proceeded to crawl back up them, I think you need to lay down
She's drunk as hell locked up I. The bathroom with my shoes where do I go from here
i'm about to be the still-drunkest person on the ellipticals
I just gave my mom some ones that look like they've probably been in some strippers cooter. Oops.
Haha. Just tell your mom not to smell them
Hey mom, most of this money I'm giving you is in ones. Don't ask why and whatever you do don't smell them.
Sounds legit to me.
You know just a typical night. Eating peanut butter off of tablespoons and having sex to our favorite Christmas carols. This is my favorite time of year.
i tried to propose to him with my nipple ring but i couldnt figure out how to take it out
My nerves will need dicks later so.. I'll call you
I'm very aware of my heart moving the blood in my body.
What am I supposed to say? "Oh hey, I can't go out with you tonight because I can't picture myself sleeping with you and I was high and just trying to be nice when I said yes"?
Randomize
