Me hooking up with her is like rush being president. Bad news.
I’m once again drinking at eight am on a Sunday in my tutu. This garment is literally my best purchase ever.
Last nIght I drank wIth the new guy from fellowshIp & my pastor I've known sInce I was 7. It was agreed by them that I had nIce tIts. I'm not weIrded out In fact I'm flattered...
we could easily be the first people to smoke 3 bowls and pound a Four Loco before goin on a tour of the Tillamook cheese factory
You know... If I put the same amount of effort into school as I put into giving women orgasms I would be a Rhodes scholar
The foreigner finally woke up and the first thing he did was look up a map of the u.s. His destination is to pennsylvania.
He introduced himself to me as "the gayest gay who ever gayed." I like him already.
Because it is about to snow, I sent him for Diet Coke and cigarettes. It's the gay version of milk and bread.
College students should never be allowed to have snow days. Never.
Things I had in my bed when I woke up: an avocado, a toilet brush, and a note that says thanks but no thanks with the number of taco bell on it. WHAT DID I DRINK?
Thankfully US customs doesnt have a checkbox for bringing semen into the country because my hair would still be in CDC quarantine
Worrying about "What smells like cat pee?" is so much easier than worrying about "What am I doing with my life?"
Do you ever just feel the storm building inside of you that tells you you're ready for a giant indiscriminate fuckfest?
I can say with absolute certainty the only time we ever had a civil conversation was when we agreed we both liked pizza.
He just kept going down on me. And he was all like, do you mind? No motha fucka, who would? All of his ex's, apparently. Whatever, he's a gem and I'm keeping him.
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