im pretty sure i tried to attack the vending machine last night
lol who won
well im in the hospital right now so u tell me
so my bro's bff came over...we had an awkward "yeah we fucked and can fuck later, but let's just pretend it didn't happen in front of the family" hug.
No, I can't hang out with Dave because he already has a girlfriend. The one with the tatoos of cherries on her "cherry." Yeah, she doesn't really make me feel spectacularly comfortable.
I just criticized a porno's use of editing. Film school is ruining me.
ASIANS HAVE SEX TOO!! I just watched it happen in the library.
No need to get angry I'm just tryin to get my door back
Btw before you ask, the dr said there's no way shoving his dick that far down my throat is why i got laryngitis
So after tonight I now have 6 Harry Potter movies left to get laid to. Before tonight it was 8. Fucking right
It was weird, because he kept shaking his head like he was motorboating me...but on my vagina.
Oh my god. That was the best half-hour of my life that didn't involve genitals.
Can't decide if it was more awkward buying sheets together or disposing of them afterwards
Sorry I yelled at you and called you Amish and puked on your eggs
Just had a threesome for the second time in my life. I don;t even enjoy threesomes. Too much effort.
HOW DO THESE THINGS KEEP HAPPENING TO YOU?
I just texted him from the other room to come have sex with me-stress relieved
You are such a millennial
Weight watchers just said "you've tracked beer three times recently, want to make it one of your favorites?" I'm begining to understand why I needed to go in the first place.
Randomize
