where are you
in your bedroom
how did you get in
your wife…
WTF
I totally give up. Optimus Prime just fell from the top of the Great Pyramid into the hypostyle hall at Karnak.
I cant help but queef when the male extremity enters
What is a male extremity?
i didnt realize it was that long since you've had sex
You were petting your shoe and saying this makes me really happy
Do you not remember you showing everyone in the bathroom your period stained underwear? I'd say you were pretty happy it came
I found her in the bathroom licking her screwdriver off the floor. she said there was no way she was wasting a $6 drink.
do we own a ladder
We do not.
then how am i on the roof
I didn't realize how drunk I was until my vagina was in the snow.
It's George Washington's Birthday. Can you not put on some red white and blue and get really drunk for the original Merican??
I just got caught impersonating a t-Rex by my boss. Sadly he wasn't fazed by my behavior and acted like it was normal.
She started snoring post sex, so I drunkenly walked 8 miles at 4am to go fishing. Please come pick me up
He just got home after serving 5 years in prison. And I think I may courtesy fuck him. Best Christmas present ever.
location: under the moon. please find me. need ride home.
when the cops came she just started yelling at them "Fuck the police! freedom of speech bitches!"
If he’s halfway attractive, employed and cool with me having boytoys, I’ll marry him
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