I dont shave on purpose to keep myself from being slutastic!! it usually works
i wish starbucks made bloody marys
my periods are so regular now that they are sync-ed with my subscriptions of vogue.
new rule: cockblock me if I have had over a fifth of jack. no matter what.
Apparently the last thing they remember of me was me stumbing into a bathroom, then falling out 5 minutes later clutching a butter knife repeating "ketamine goes in my face hole"
We JUST got rid of the new years fatties at my gym and now the spring break fatties are here. goddamn.
You rolled around in the grass BEFORE we went in and said it was because "ladies love that eau de earth"
HE GAVE ME ONE OF HIS BEERS.
YOU'RE THE CHOSEN ONE.
When she asked why I felt bad I said that it may have had something to do with the gin and cold pizza I had for breakfast.... And then I reflected on what my life has become.
Evvvvvveryone knows we hooked up in the DJ booth. People call it the BJ booth now. I've created a legacy
"Wine night with the girls" turned into me having to set an alarm in the bathtub this morning...
I was fed cake in bed and then was pinned down and ridden till I came. And then fed more cake. I'm going to marry Brad. I'll put money on it.
Okay, tomorrow we'll have a day of life-sorting and plasma-selling.
If she didn't block me, she would have known that I sneezed on her toothbrush.
I brought coffee but not enough for the naked guy on your porch
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