Police were just in my backyard to recover a loaded .38. What the fuck?????
Yay Minnesota! I can't believe there's now a US Senator who has taken more acid than we have
Banjos are just sex machines. Like lights to moths, banjos are to hipster bitches.
his internet history is a lot of porn, how to make a hovercraft and side-effects of jacking off too much
He said I taste like butterscotch, licked me, then I'm pretty sure he wet his pants. So no, I do not want to invite him over.
I don't drink during the week.... well, except for Bailey's Tuesdays, which I have to start implementing further.
Thru out the entire phone conversation I went from thinking: he's making a gay come-on, to he's trying to sell me drugs, before realizing he was offering me a job with an internet company. Things are gonna be awkward in class this week.
Hah, I lost the lenses in my glasses, didn't event notice til this morning... How was the meeting?
we had a ceremony where you passed your fake id onto me in the middle of the bar. i was on my knees and you presented it to me. i don't think the bartenders were suspicious though
I'm taking tokes in the bath tub, come if you want, I'm naked and you have to bring chicken nuggets or else you can't come in
It was awk he was sittin on a plastic backyard chair in his underwear and high white socks in the dark watching the nuggets game
He wants to take me instead of his girlfriend to the happiest place on earth... By that He meant Vegas. My morals are just loose enough to think this is a good idea
I'm on my way back with the wine... And a puppy. It was free.
You had sex with a kid to spare him the shame of being a virgin. Evidence is on my side.
i just remembered i drunk watched the brave little toaster last night
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