I cont stop tolking in a british axsent
No flights in Europe due to the volcano erupting. God himself is telling me to spend 4.20 in Amsterdam.
I never thought to pass out in a hotel lobby rather then paying for a hotel room until you taught me that's acceptable at the Hilton
Will you please bring me a line of coke at work without asking questions?
Either I'm spending too much time drinking or my perfume is starting to smell like a pineapple vodka.
Really?!? Does he think blocking me on FACEBOOK means that he doesn't have a kid with me?!
I did my walk of shame through a safeway at 8am to get YOUR hangover bagels. You're welcome asshole
He called me piss drunk at 7:30pm while cooking bacon and said he was going to bed. I don't think he's taking it well.
I got into the shower with my underwear on. I just sat down in the tub and tried to figure out when I lost all control of this hangover.
I just smoked a joint and ate a sandwich while watching someone get arrested. Bonnaroo is a silly place.
Too stoned. Randomly can't get the image of Emilio estevez's smiling face out of my head. What is life.
Charging my vibrator at work. Pray to god I don't forget it!!!
like, there should be nothing wrong with me wanting to watch you put on a bikini and roll around in a kiddie pool of jello
Found like seven bruises in the shower. One was shaped like a hand. Best. Sex. Ever.
Also I know now I was meant to be a comedian. Had both arresting officers laughing.
Randomize
