It's only 4 pm and I'm already way past my preferred quota of "could have died" moments
My gynecologist just commented on how well my vagina was waxed
I'm not sober enough to be having a conversation about a rap she wrote in Spanish about public safety
They woke me up at 6am and made me drink a bottle pf champagne yelling "champagne breakfast!"
In case you were wondering, it hurts when the bouncer throws your phone at you after kicking you out of the strip club for taking pictures.
I was cut off by 8, I need to rethink this breakup therapy strategy
I'm promising sexual favors in return for his responsible life decisions. Now THIS is growing up.
i swear, as soon as they invent a cure for herpes, he's mine.
Brought him brownies before taking his pants off. I'm like the Martha fucking Stewart of booty calls. Walk of shame be damned.
The cab driver was nice enough to let you finish your beer in the car, but you crossed the line when you started to pee in the empty bottle
I'm eating those little wheels of cheese and watching storage wars, this is the opposite of sex.
I feel I must have sex with him first to fully decide where my vagina belongs.
The guy I screamed at across the bar for booing the Bruins ended up buying me shots I had to explain to him there's not a chance in hell I would ever fuck a Canadian! #Bostonstrong
Oh, I also stabbed a guy Friday and he still asked me out
Had sex on your trumpet just an fyi.
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