I am drinking with my family and the average drinking tolerance is a shot and a half. I feel like the incredible hulk.
Bad news: I had to be at work at 7:15. Good news: no one had used the bathroom yet so I got to defile a freshly cleaned stall
I just saw a girl wearing a flannel shirt that would make 1992 cringe
I got called a drunken housewife today in class. I'm proud, not many people can say they've achieved their life goals like I have by the time they turn 20
She stopped mid hookup to ask me if we'd be done before Taco Bell closed.
She was so morning drunk she asked the lady at brueggers for a bandaid and my self respect back
When this bachelor party is over and your life is in ruins, you have my permission to die.
WHAT THE FUCK KIND OF NINTENDO FILLED GLORIOUS ENCHANTING FANTASY LAND ARE YOU IN?! DUDE DID YOU MOVE TO THE 90S?!?!?!
Can't trust a bar that doesn't have fireball
His birthday is on Valentines Day, of course he's getting a blowjob
I'm now consulting a magic eight ball on all major life decisions. On another note I think I have chlamydia.
I 100% barfed while bumping the DMX remix of reading rainbow
It started getting weird when you decided to scold my vagina.
Do toy wanna orseer frim onedof tjose plaves? Sry textimg with globes on
Gloves*
Out of all the words to correct, you chose gloves??
I woke up with pitch black feet and crushed doritos around my mouth. That's how I determined how my night went
Randomize
