last night was the icing on my 3 week vodka binge cake
If I die on my trip, you're my chosen person. Nightstand-vibrators. Computer-iphoto naked pictures. I hope you feel honored.
my car smells like vomit and bananas. this can't really be my life.
We're at the hospital. She got a head rush and fell and now blood everywhere. Smoke the rest, just save her a bowl
Your first words after putting out the flames, "how am I supposed to eat girls out with my top lip burned off??"
Yeah no more flaming everclear shots.
I was trying to fart in my sleep in the hopes that he would leave
Super awkward when the coworker you made out with in exchange for molly last weekend keeps coming over to your cube and trying to talk to you
someday i'll meet a woman who will love me for my marvelous breasts and ignore my many character faults.
Shaving your balls drunk sounds like a good idea untill you do it
Mom and dad should be so proud half of their children have gotten naked in the same local grocery store
You know i love you, but i just cannot fuck you until your eyebrow grows back. It's too hard not to laugh.
The nice lady at the neighborhood liquor store informs me that we have a new woman-run neighborhood sex shop. Jesus loves me and wants me to have a happy Valentine's day.
Wow I got tittyfucked by the American Dream
Accidentally drunk dialed my mom last night. Started the conversation with "Where you at girl?"
how is it I left wearing underwear then ended up with none? and why is it they are on you?
Randomize
