They have to be talking about me. I never heard that statement until I was born.
how do chicks with those acryllic nails wipe their anuses?
For Halloween this year I'm gonna go as Angelina from Jersey Shore. I'm gonna yell "umm HELLO?!," cockblock someone, then leave the party early
He cooked me dinner. I showed my appreciation by showing up shithoused and breaking a bottle of steak sauce on his floor.
got extra credit for showing up to class before a holiday. it hit me 5 minutes later that she meant easter....
I'm so prepared to puke on walk of shame tomorrow that I'm putting a toothbrush and toothpaste in my purse the night before. And to think, my dad thought I wouldn't make it in college.
Just successfully went through airport security with shrooms. It's gonna be a fucking awesome new years
how are things with the new girl?
good, we have nothing in common but she likes being choked
"I gave a guy a handjob last night, on a dog bed, inside a fireplace. It's going to be a good year."
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
STOP IT RIGHT NOW IM BEING A SINLESS CHILD OF GOD IN BED TRYING TO SLEEP AND YOURE SENDING ME MEMES ABOUT DICKS
We had sex and then ordered pizza after. This relationship is looking good so far.
What color nail polish screams, "Either fuck me or get the hell out of my way"?
Next time you decide to post pictures of yourself in your underwear on facebook, please don't tag me as your bulge.. My mom spent 10 minutes looking for me in that picture. I had to tell her I was hiding.
The sex was so good we high-fived after.
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