hotel room ftw
She was like a white Oprah, but with less conviction.
I like my sex mixed with concussions.
Handcuffed. To. Steering. Wheel. Fuck.
Well, at first I was really confused. But then I realized that he was talking from his penis's perspective... in third person.
I'm sorry. We set two Christmas trees on fire. Also the neighbor's yard. Also ours.
trying to line up a DD for St Pats Day. i guarantee i will put out. or puke and pass out. really its 50/50 at this point.
DO IT, or I'll send you pictures of my hickey to remind you of your loneliness
I mean he gave me an 'I owe you an orgasm' fist bump
The last thing I remember from that party was me shouting "hold my feet I'm going in strapped like Rambo"
Yet he continued to eat cereal out of the glove compartment in my car.
I forgot to tell you, that tinder guy literally lives 15 floors beneath me. I have been creepily saying things to him like "I see youve got a hammer on the patio"
I wonder whether Megan will forgive me if i have phone sex in her attic
Its a shame I cant put 'bomb ass head game' on my resume.
I swear to god he thought my ass was a bag of wine last night.
Randomize
