I wish they made portable blow up dolls for girls.
It's called a dildo, genius. Go to sleep.
i just sold back the books i vomitted on
My water bill is like twice the normal amount. I need a boyfriend.
Do I even want to know?
Still bad at ganbling. Still good at dringing.
she told me to hold the wheel while she hung out the sunroof and cursed the old lady behind us out.
i am going to show so many millionaires my nipple
Currently doing my walk of shame down a floating dock. No more guys who live on a boat EVER AGAIN
I took an adderall. This is weird. My eyes are really wide open and I am really good at staring. I've written on 9 peoples walls and updated my status. I am getting shit DONE!
Ps there is nothing more humbling in the world than havin to watch cheaper by the dozen on the waiting room tv while getting the morning after pill at the drs. Nothing
What kind of gift says: "I love you because you're my mom & I'm obligated to, but I don't like you" ?
Woke her up in the middle of the night with the smell from a fart. So proud of my colon.
I just realized my hands still smell like your cock. Which is awesome, but I wonder if the clerk at the store appreciated it.
I feel bad. I'm the reason hand sanitizer exists.
I woke up not knowing what state I was in. Turns out, people from Deleware are pretty helpful.
Just wore the promise ring dad gave me freshman year of high school as a fake wedding band while I bought a pregnancy test. I think it's safe to say that's not what he had in mind with that gift 14 years ago.
She asked what the dent on the hood of my car was from..i think she knows we had sex up there
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