My recently uploaded pictures to facebook: Me partying on Beale St. with a single girl on each arm. Ex's recently upload pictures: Several pictures of cats. I win.
Before we started fucking, he laid me on the bed, and asked my what my sleep number was, so that i would be "comfy"
Pretty much knew it was gonna be awful when the extra condoms she had from her ex were entirely too big for my dick
Welp, she's chewing our paper towels again. She's like an obnoxiously hot puppy
Sorry I tried to blow your roommate in your room. I felt more at home there.
I have vodka an food stamps. At some point today, that will undoubtedly turn into jello shots.
Down at Ground Zero right now. So many people here. It's the most patriotic game of grabass Ive ever seen.
I mean turning down birthday sex is never the answer
I told my mom about how you got white girl wasted and sobbed about Whitney Houston. She sends her condolences.
tell her thanks so much
So a sorority girl just introduced herself to me by saying "a guy I used to fuck just threw up on me" and then she grinded on me
OMG. Dad just threw a 100 dollar bill down on the table for a girl to lift her shirt. I think he was kidding, but...
Just because your gf gives mediocre bjs doesn't mean I can fill that void
Yeah, oh and the story gets better. His friend was dressed as a christmas tree wrapped in twinkle lights and had to plug himself in the wall all night.
At 3:00am my whole house started smelling like cooking meat. I have no idea why she thought it was a good idea to crock-pot a WHOLE turkey that early in the morning.
Also I know now I was meant to be a comedian. Had both arresting officers laughing.
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