You were running around the house with a purple crayon asking people to call you harold..
I just answered "If only I knew" for a quiz in criminology, she loved it. I got an A
How are you feeling today?
i could've thrown up on command at any point today...
My 10 year old son gave me a bottle of jameson for fathers day. Did you have something to do with this?
Just realized I'm marrying a man that's never gone down on me. What happened to my priorities?
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LOOK FUCKABLE IN AN ALL NEON SPANDEX JUMPSUIT?
Nothing motivates a person to clean their apartment like puking up cheese ravioli beer-tequila chicken wings for eight hours.
how the hell were we supposed to out run the cops in a bus?
We turned a watering can into a margarita bong.
I know but at least you've never been asked to have sex dressed up like Catwoman
WHO ARE THESE GUYS WHY AN ORGRY ON A MONDAY LMAO
MY HAND WILL BE UP HIS ASS IF HE DOES NOT APOLOGIZE FOR WHAT HE DID. IT WON'T BE THE GOOD-FEELING KIND OF "HAND-UP-ASS" EITHER.
I always feel bad for the sober driver... Never been me but I feel bad... empathetic AF
Dad is wasting no time getting back out there. Just walked in on him and a Twin Peaks waitress in the hot tub
I have had flashes of 69ing, a strawberry flavored condom and begging him to sleep naked.
Randomize
